This was posted by my grandmother on facebook: (names edited for anonymity)
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Thanksgiving
Not that i'm the best grandson in the world but still.....
This was posted by my grandmother on facebook: (names edited for anonymity)
aahhhh! Home... No place like it. Wonderful visit with everyone and of course the time went too fast. Great-grand kids are growning up way too fast and boy they just are so cute! [my nephew] has the darkest brown eyes and lashes and can just melt your heart with one look. [my niece] talks up a storm and knows how to make M'...s, saying up, down, up, down as she writes it.
AND
This was posted by my grandmother on facebook: (names edited for anonymity)
aahhhh! Home... No place like it. Wonderful visit with everyone and of course the time went too fast. Great-grand kids are growning up way too fast and boy they just are so cute! [my nephew] has the darkest brown eyes and lashes and can just melt your heart with one look. [my niece] talks up a storm and knows how to make M'...s, saying up, down, up, down as she writes it.
AND
NOT All Quiet On The Western Front (updated)
Mason and I have made some amends to our friendship at this time but there is still a MASSIVE hole. We have rarely seen each other face to face since that night. There is lots to write about in the last month and a half so I hope that this isn't too jumbled.
Shortly after what I thought was the end was Halloween. Deacon and I arranged a party. (really cool party and effects on a shoestring budget) Mason and Karson ended up showing, seeing as they were both invited before the ugliness. It was only awkward for a bit. They didn't stay long, they ended up at the bar that night. I ended up drinking an entire bottle of Jameson and (for the first time EVER) got blackout drunk. I remember NOTHING after a certain point. This all really disconcerted me seeing as I have NEVER gotten that far gone before. The only thing that I can equate that night to is an episode of the Simpsons. Marge has finally had enough of Homer's drinking because he made an ass out of himself at a dinner party and Homer's view of the event was him in tux and tails, holding a glass of champagne and being a perfect gentleman. I was Homer.... Deacon ended up being Marge.
After all of that Mason and Karson didn't make themselves known much. They slinked off... Let me back up for a moment. About a week after Karson and I broke it off, I told Mason to tell me when they got together. He thought that I was joking and blew it off. Well. I turned out to be right, yet again. (I should get paid for each time that I'm right about things) He and Karson have been secretly dating since about Halloween. They have been scared to tell anyone, namely me, because they thought that people (me) would be upset. It would seem, to me, that the boys moved in together to BE together. I really don't think that it just happened because of the close proximity. I have my sources that tell me that since they have moved in together that they have NOT lived in separate rooms since the move. Well, maybe the intention was to move into separate rooms but the outcome is that they are dating. The kicker is HOW I found out about the relationship. I found out through my intuition LONG before anything happened and it was confirmed second, or third hand, that they were official. That's what really got my goat. It's not that they are seeing each other. It's the fact that they were sneaking around and TRYING TO HIDE IT that got to me and they were NOT hiding it well! Most people don't realize that I see ALL. (well, most) My quiet shyness, even aloofness comes off as being dumb or slow. I pay attention to MANY things at once. Not talking and coming off as coy is only a cover for watching EVERYONE. I see details that the normal person does not see.
Thus far I have not called the two of them out on any of this.
Shortly after what I thought was the end was Halloween. Deacon and I arranged a party. (really cool party and effects on a shoestring budget) Mason and Karson ended up showing, seeing as they were both invited before the ugliness. It was only awkward for a bit. They didn't stay long, they ended up at the bar that night. I ended up drinking an entire bottle of Jameson and (for the first time EVER) got blackout drunk. I remember NOTHING after a certain point. This all really disconcerted me seeing as I have NEVER gotten that far gone before. The only thing that I can equate that night to is an episode of the Simpsons. Marge has finally had enough of Homer's drinking because he made an ass out of himself at a dinner party and Homer's view of the event was him in tux and tails, holding a glass of champagne and being a perfect gentleman. I was Homer.... Deacon ended up being Marge.
After all of that Mason and Karson didn't make themselves known much. They slinked off... Let me back up for a moment. About a week after Karson and I broke it off, I told Mason to tell me when they got together. He thought that I was joking and blew it off. Well. I turned out to be right, yet again. (I should get paid for each time that I'm right about things) He and Karson have been secretly dating since about Halloween. They have been scared to tell anyone, namely me, because they thought that people (me) would be upset. It would seem, to me, that the boys moved in together to BE together. I really don't think that it just happened because of the close proximity. I have my sources that tell me that since they have moved in together that they have NOT lived in separate rooms since the move. Well, maybe the intention was to move into separate rooms but the outcome is that they are dating. The kicker is HOW I found out about the relationship. I found out through my intuition LONG before anything happened and it was confirmed second, or third hand, that they were official. That's what really got my goat. It's not that they are seeing each other. It's the fact that they were sneaking around and TRYING TO HIDE IT that got to me and they were NOT hiding it well! Most people don't realize that I see ALL. (well, most) My quiet shyness, even aloofness comes off as being dumb or slow. I pay attention to MANY things at once. Not talking and coming off as coy is only a cover for watching EVERYONE. I see details that the normal person does not see.
Thus far I have not called the two of them out on any of this.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
NOT All Quiet On The Western Front
(Just a note, this was written on 10/24/09. just now getting around to posting it)
My best friend Mason is no longer being counted as even a friend.
I'm not sure that it stems from me or him but after last night we are done and not speaking. From what I feel, he is guilty about moving out. He has made arrangement to move in with Karson and Jeff. Mason has been highly secretive about this move until it finally came time to do it. This is the only reason that I can think of for him to be acting as he has done for weeks now. I also have not helped in this. His attitude has caused me to act in accordance. It's been a vicious circle.
Mason has not made much contact nor made any effort to make any contact with his "friends". He has just been skirting around all subjects and then suddenly he's leaving. I'm not sure whats worse, him being secretive or the fact that Deacon and I have been replaced with Karson and Jeff
My best friend Mason is no longer being counted as even a friend.
I'm not sure that it stems from me or him but after last night we are done and not speaking. From what I feel, he is guilty about moving out. He has made arrangement to move in with Karson and Jeff. Mason has been highly secretive about this move until it finally came time to do it. This is the only reason that I can think of for him to be acting as he has done for weeks now. I also have not helped in this. His attitude has caused me to act in accordance. It's been a vicious circle.
Mason has not made much contact nor made any effort to make any contact with his "friends". He has just been skirting around all subjects and then suddenly he's leaving. I'm not sure whats worse, him being secretive or the fact that Deacon and I have been replaced with Karson and Jeff
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Realizations
This problem has been plaguing me for quite some time now. It keeps nagging at me and tugging on my mind. It even wears me thin sometimes.
The problem is the fact that I will never have children of my own (not without considerable amounts of money of adoption). I know that I'm gay and have been for, well, all my life. I did not choose this. It chose me, but i still can't help feeling like I am not a normal, functioning, part of society.
For thousands of years the basis of humankind has been to be born, procreate and die. It's difficult to procreate when you have an aversion to the opposite sex.
My younger sister is living the normal life. She married a wonderful man and now has 2 beautiful children with him. It pangs me to see those children and feel that I will never have that kind of a life. I wish that I could start over and be "normal". Why am I not able to live a long and happy life with my wife and kids? Why will I never be able to supply my mother and father with grand-kids? I ask these questions to myself each and every time I see my beautiful niece and nephew. I ask each time I hold their little hands.
After all of the internal questioning, I come to realize that I AM a functioning part of society. I contribute. I participate. I feed the economy, pay my taxes, etc. I may be hopelessly single and have been forced to move back into my father's basement but I will not have to deal with marital problems. No in-laws. No divorce. No dirty diapers and sleepless nights worrying about the well being of my children. All of this has it's good and bad points I guess.
Who knows though. I may still find a loving husband that I will share the rest of my days with and, somehow, have children. They may not be direct offspring but still will be growing vessels that I may fill with my knowledge and beliefs.
I apologize now for the choppiness of this entry. Just a lot of word vomit
The problem is the fact that I will never have children of my own (not without considerable amounts of money of adoption). I know that I'm gay and have been for, well, all my life. I did not choose this. It chose me, but i still can't help feeling like I am not a normal, functioning, part of society.
For thousands of years the basis of humankind has been to be born, procreate and die. It's difficult to procreate when you have an aversion to the opposite sex.
My younger sister is living the normal life. She married a wonderful man and now has 2 beautiful children with him. It pangs me to see those children and feel that I will never have that kind of a life. I wish that I could start over and be "normal". Why am I not able to live a long and happy life with my wife and kids? Why will I never be able to supply my mother and father with grand-kids? I ask these questions to myself each and every time I see my beautiful niece and nephew. I ask each time I hold their little hands.
After all of the internal questioning, I come to realize that I AM a functioning part of society. I contribute. I participate. I feed the economy, pay my taxes, etc. I may be hopelessly single and have been forced to move back into my father's basement but I will not have to deal with marital problems. No in-laws. No divorce. No dirty diapers and sleepless nights worrying about the well being of my children. All of this has it's good and bad points I guess.
Who knows though. I may still find a loving husband that I will share the rest of my days with and, somehow, have children. They may not be direct offspring but still will be growing vessels that I may fill with my knowledge and beliefs.
I apologize now for the choppiness of this entry. Just a lot of word vomit
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
help! i need somebody.
Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.
http://www.lyricstime.com/beatles-help-lyrics.html
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.
http://www.lyricstime.com/beatles-help-lyrics.html
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Always Alone, Even In a Crowded Room
I'm in a room, surrounded by "friends" yet i am the loneliest person in the room. I know everyone here but no one really knows me or who i really am. Why does this always happen? Has my being coy been carried on too far? That's how i usually play things. Play coy or aloof to lure people in. They usually find out that i am quite the dick shortly after meeting me directly. That's probably why i don't let many people in. I guess that my loneliness is a product of my own devices.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
So I've decided that having certain "friends" on your Facebook page is like having cowbells around their necks.
The people that update constantly what is going within their trite and vapid routines let you know where to be OR where NOT to be.
Needless to say, I won't be going out to the pub this evening.
The people that update constantly what is going within their trite and vapid routines let you know where to be OR where NOT to be.
Needless to say, I won't be going out to the pub this evening.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The Anglerfish (Lophius piscatorius)
So I have decided that this is me.
The angry-looking deep sea anglerfish has a right to be cranky. It is quite possibly the ugliest animal on the planet, and it lives in what is easily Earth's most inhospitable habitat: the lonely, lightless bottom of the sea.
There are more than 200 species of anglerfish, most of which live in the murky depths of the Atlantic and Antarctic oceans, up to a mile below the surface, although some live in shallow, tropical environments. Generally dark gray to dark brown in color, they have huge heads and enormous crescent-shaped mouths filled with sharp, translucent teeth. Some angler fish can be quite large, reaching 3.3 feet (1 meter) in length. Most however are significantly smaller, often less than a foot.
Their most distinctive feature, worn only by females, is a piece of dorsal spine that protrudes above their mouths like a fishing pole—hence their name. Tipped with a lure of luminous flesh this built-in rod baits prey close enough to be snatched. Their mouths are so big and their bodies so pliable, they can actually swallow prey up to twice their own size.
The male, which is significantly smaller than the female, has no need for such an adaptation. In lieu of continually seeking the vast abyss for a female, it has evolved into a permanent parasitic mate. When a young, free-swimming male angler encounters a female, he latches onto her with his sharp teeth. Over time, the male physically fuses with the female, connecting to her skin and bloodstream and losing his eyes and all his internal organs except the testes. A female will carry six or more males on her body.
courtesy of
http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/fish/anglerfish.html
The angry-looking deep sea anglerfish has a right to be cranky. It is quite possibly the ugliest animal on the planet, and it lives in what is easily Earth's most inhospitable habitat: the lonely, lightless bottom of the sea.
There are more than 200 species of anglerfish, most of which live in the murky depths of the Atlantic and Antarctic oceans, up to a mile below the surface, although some live in shallow, tropical environments. Generally dark gray to dark brown in color, they have huge heads and enormous crescent-shaped mouths filled with sharp, translucent teeth. Some angler fish can be quite large, reaching 3.3 feet (1 meter) in length. Most however are significantly smaller, often less than a foot.
Their most distinctive feature, worn only by females, is a piece of dorsal spine that protrudes above their mouths like a fishing pole—hence their name. Tipped with a lure of luminous flesh this built-in rod baits prey close enough to be snatched. Their mouths are so big and their bodies so pliable, they can actually swallow prey up to twice their own size.
The male, which is significantly smaller than the female, has no need for such an adaptation. In lieu of continually seeking the vast abyss for a female, it has evolved into a permanent parasitic mate. When a young, free-swimming male angler encounters a female, he latches onto her with his sharp teeth. Over time, the male physically fuses with the female, connecting to her skin and bloodstream and losing his eyes and all his internal organs except the testes. A female will carry six or more males on her body.
courtesy of
http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/fish/anglerfish.html
Monday, August 10, 2009
The Drama Pit
Where to begin for this evening...
Well, So much drama roiling around at the pub this evening. Trapper Keeper wasn't getting enough attention and was pouty the entire night (which made for great entertainment when Tayla's sister spit her drink at Tayla, missed and hit Trapper!!!). All that trapper wanted was pity and no one gave it to her. We reap what we sow baby.
Brett tried to be friendly and say hello but I shot him down with a scowl. I could see his eyes begin to moisten over it but quickly got over it because he had some young thing attached to his face all evening. I will give it to Brett and say that boy was at least a 7 out of a possible 10. Brett seemed to make sure that we all saw him and boy touching, kissing, fawning, etc. It was all just a big production. Fake, false, a front. All of which i find to be mildly amusing only because this will all end with Brett sobbing. His tears sustain me.
Karson was also there and also with a new beau. I'll give his beau about a 6 out of 10 but the lack of personality took him down to a 4 or less. Didn't talk to Karson too much. I mostly tried to ignore him. There was a brief exchange but there was no introduction of the beau. I'd like to think that Karson was afraid that I'd swallow the beau's soul or something equally horrible.
Nathan was also in attendance and also with the "boy who shall remain unnamed". (I really didn't think that he would be mentioned twice and I have not prepared a name for him. Lets call him Kasey shall we?) They were at least cautious and didn't step on too many toes but Nathan still got drunk and ended up spilling someone's drink because of his limp wrists. Kasey tried being nice to me but with the mood that I was in he quickly retreated to the safety of Nathan's arms.
On top of all of this, I came with a boy myself. His name is Sean. We met this last winter and not on happy terms (a story for another time). We have since "kissed and made up". I apparently was totally blind to the fact that he was looking for more from me than just an evening out with friends. I realized that much too late. At that point all I wanted to do was leave but he was busy making new friends and regaling his older friends with tales of god knows what. I went outside to smoke and to calm down so as not to hurt people and this guy and his friend walk up and introduce themselves. The one guy was dragged over by the other to talk to me because I looked lonely and because I was handsome. Me, being totally caught off guard, made an ass out of myself and looked like a complete dick because I was pissed off at what was going on inside. It just got horribly awkward after that and they went inside and said no more.
Ok. Last topic. In an earlier post I had mentioned that Brett had cock-blocked me out of even talking to a guy and then ended up doing naughty things with him in the parking lot. So, now that I have marked the boy as "tainted" or "damaged goods" and he and Brett have nothing between them the guy talks to me tonight as I am leaving to take Sean home. He says the same things as the other set of guys. "Oh you're handsome", "You should smile more", blah blah blah. Yes. I do know that I am a fairly decent fellow (some may disagree with that, but I have a skewed view of myself), but is that all I am? Just something shiny, pretty? I did love the attention though but it was awkward because Sean was present and he wants more from me.
The whole evening was uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable like a mosquito bite but more like needing to defecate in a bad way while on a first date.
Well, So much drama roiling around at the pub this evening. Trapper Keeper wasn't getting enough attention and was pouty the entire night (which made for great entertainment when Tayla's sister spit her drink at Tayla, missed and hit Trapper!!!). All that trapper wanted was pity and no one gave it to her. We reap what we sow baby.
Brett tried to be friendly and say hello but I shot him down with a scowl. I could see his eyes begin to moisten over it but quickly got over it because he had some young thing attached to his face all evening. I will give it to Brett and say that boy was at least a 7 out of a possible 10. Brett seemed to make sure that we all saw him and boy touching, kissing, fawning, etc. It was all just a big production. Fake, false, a front. All of which i find to be mildly amusing only because this will all end with Brett sobbing. His tears sustain me.
Karson was also there and also with a new beau. I'll give his beau about a 6 out of 10 but the lack of personality took him down to a 4 or less. Didn't talk to Karson too much. I mostly tried to ignore him. There was a brief exchange but there was no introduction of the beau. I'd like to think that Karson was afraid that I'd swallow the beau's soul or something equally horrible.
Nathan was also in attendance and also with the "boy who shall remain unnamed". (I really didn't think that he would be mentioned twice and I have not prepared a name for him. Lets call him Kasey shall we?) They were at least cautious and didn't step on too many toes but Nathan still got drunk and ended up spilling someone's drink because of his limp wrists. Kasey tried being nice to me but with the mood that I was in he quickly retreated to the safety of Nathan's arms.
On top of all of this, I came with a boy myself. His name is Sean. We met this last winter and not on happy terms (a story for another time). We have since "kissed and made up". I apparently was totally blind to the fact that he was looking for more from me than just an evening out with friends. I realized that much too late. At that point all I wanted to do was leave but he was busy making new friends and regaling his older friends with tales of god knows what. I went outside to smoke and to calm down so as not to hurt people and this guy and his friend walk up and introduce themselves. The one guy was dragged over by the other to talk to me because I looked lonely and because I was handsome. Me, being totally caught off guard, made an ass out of myself and looked like a complete dick because I was pissed off at what was going on inside. It just got horribly awkward after that and they went inside and said no more.
Ok. Last topic. In an earlier post I had mentioned that Brett had cock-blocked me out of even talking to a guy and then ended up doing naughty things with him in the parking lot. So, now that I have marked the boy as "tainted" or "damaged goods" and he and Brett have nothing between them the guy talks to me tonight as I am leaving to take Sean home. He says the same things as the other set of guys. "Oh you're handsome", "You should smile more", blah blah blah. Yes. I do know that I am a fairly decent fellow (some may disagree with that, but I have a skewed view of myself), but is that all I am? Just something shiny, pretty? I did love the attention though but it was awkward because Sean was present and he wants more from me.
The whole evening was uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable like a mosquito bite but more like needing to defecate in a bad way while on a first date.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Oldies!
These are from an old journal that I kept but didn't keep very well! I made two entries in it and then lost it! Hope these make for interesting reading!
8/21/2008 1:11 AM
So it’s been a long week. So much going on, yet nothing is going on. Everything seems stagnant. Putrid. Stale. The repo job is really stressing me out. I’ve no time for anything but the will of NAME OMITTED FOR PRIVACY and the stupid company. All I do is work, eat, sleep and play on the new laptop. (didn’t spent too much on the laptop). I have little time for play or even just a nice, whole day to myself. That would be really nice to have just a day where I did nothing but stuff for myself. No agendas. No worrying about time frames for others; just a nice and peaceful day to myself.
Everything else that is stressing me out is the juggling of 3 boys, Deacon being one of them (H), Deacon (W), and a possible third, Clif. We’ll start with Deacon H. Looking back, I should’ve never led him to believe that there was ever going to be anything between us. I should’ve realized that I’m just a slut. I do not think that I have truly ever loved someone. Sex does not equal love to me. Just because I fuck someone does not automatically mean that I love them. I let him feel that we were going somewhere and had plans for the future. I never plan anything!!! Shit just happens or it doesn’t. I do totally enjoy Deacon H's company with the exception of his latest advances. I had thought that I had finally pushed him away enough to make him realize that there was never going to be as “us”. Then I fucked him in the tent while camping at Bear Lake over the 4th of July weekend. Oops. It gave him ideas again.
Well since then I have found a nice boy, also Deacon W, UGH!!! He works at NAME OMITTED FOR PRIVACY, a pub near downtown. Nice guy for sure! Very polite and very good natured. He may not be the best looking guy in the city but his mind makes up for anything that he may lack in looks. He is trying to woo me and seems to be doing a very good job of it. So good on fact that Deacon H is a little upset that he is encroaching on his territory. Deacon H is jealous of the time that I spend with Deacon W. So to keep his jealousy to a minimum I just don’t tell Deacon H that I’m out with Deacon W. May not be the best idea so far seeing as lying thus far has gotten me into nothing but trouble. We’ll see how this goes. I’m not sure that Deacon W is right for me but I still can’t seem to shake him loose. All I really want is to date. I have never really dated boys, just fucked them! The only boy that I have ever really had any relationship with is Percy. Not a good reference point to base thing off of.
Onto the third. Clif is a guy that I met at a birthday party for one of Deacon H's friends.. Better looking than Deacon W for sure with the exception of his EDITED FOR PRIVACY. Clif began to salivate over me the moment that he noticed me. I enjoyed the attention. Deacon H did not. He literally rolled his eyes at Clif’s advances.. I kept my distance from Clif for the duration of the evening. I did not even get a phone number! I think that if I was alone that I would’ve advanced faster. So I left it at that and ended up looking Clif up on myspace and speaking to him a bit on there and eventually got his number.. We still have yet to meet again. He has been in Denver for work for almost two weeks now. I do look forward to meeting him again when he returns..
Ok that seems like a decent enough glimpse into my psyche for the evening/morning.
9/22/2008 2:05 AM
Yet another interesting weekend. First of all, Bret has been cut off. Mason had a gentleman caller this weekend. The gentleman’s name is Ken. He’s a nice guy. I don’t have enough time to tell much more about him. Anyhoo, Brett began to harass Ken about spending the night in Mason’s bed. Frankly, that is none of Brett’s business. Ken told him to go to hell as did the rest of us. Brett tried to show up this morning and apologize for his actions. Not gonna fly. He’s done, yet again. Woot!
I finally got Clif to hang out with us this weekend. Deacon seemed cordial, seemed. The evening wound down and Clif invited me to spent the night at his place. I obliged. Deacon got upset, again along the lines of “not his business”. I sent him a nasty text and promptly shut my phone off. He was seriously bent over that. The evening with Clif went well. We didn’t fool around, just slept. We slept quite late in fact. We did kinda mess a little bit but not to the extreme of my usual “sleepovers”. He’s a good guy. He was very in tune with Deacon’s acting out. I kinda went into the details of the trio’s relationship. He seemed a little put off by it, not sure exactly. He is way too much like myself that it’s kinda scary. We’ll see how he goes.
After waking up and getting dropped of back at the Deacon H residence I got dressed and cleaned up and the trio went to this exhibit downtown. It is cadavers that have been seriously preserved and posed in multiple stages of dissection. It was very cool. We are totally going again!! It was awesome, I had never seen anything like it before. We are totally taking a larger group next time. *sigh* time for bed. I’ve gotta start this typing thing earlier!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Trapper Keeper...
This is a tale of a girl that is not pretty nor skinny enough to actually date within the regular population. She is a horrible mess of emotions, self loathing and just plain sadness. She dates vicariously through the gay men that she surrounds herself with and attempts to be HIGHLY involved in their lives. This girl's name will be "Trapper Keeper" for this exercise. We'll use Trapper for short.
This girl was birthed some 25 years ago. Not much is known (by me) about her younger days. All I know is of current events. I can truly see that she is a sad being, a wretched creature. I'd like to think that most are able to see this. I even think that this despair and pity that she draws from others sustains her.
Trapper could really have a very nice personality and could be easier on the eyes if she would stop being such a conniving bitch and start to care more about her health and her own problems than worrying about when she's gonna get her next queer fix. She gets so wrapped up in the problems of others that she takes no time to be a healthy person. (and by the way, I do know that I am letting myself go a bit. I've got my own issues but they're personal and I have my own life and make my own decisions. Sorry, just a disclaimer for those that would think that I am singling Trapper out)
Trapper has been so caught up in the drama of her queers that it has been causing problems. She has a fat mouth. She does not know when to keep a secret or hold things in confidence. You tell her something that you think is completely between the two of you and within the next five minutes the entire community knows about it.
This is a personal experience that i have had with Trapper: First of all, I do admit that I was in the wrong and this whole situation could have been avoided if I kept my pants on. *the lights fade on the stage*....... A few years ago when I was having relations with Deacon I met his friends Tom and Jerry. Tom and Jerry were "happily" dating each other and I ended up getting mixed up with the two of them and having a threesome. It was supposed to be kind of a quiet thing and just a one time deal. Lots of alcohol was involved blah blah blah. After that Trapper caught wind of the KY in the air and proceeded to leak this information out to the masses. The only one that seemed to have a problem was Deacon, seeing that I was having relations with him as well as Tom and Jerry being his good friends. This caused a rift between all parties involved. Deacon and I fought about it. Deacon and Trapper were mortal enemies and T&J would've been frozen in carbonite and used as a coffee table if Deacon had the power to do so. (the above tells you why T&J, Trapper and Deacon are still at odds)
Anyway, back on point. I am not the only one that Trapper has done this to. Any information that is input is "absorbed" is regurgitated as vile refuse that exudes from her fat yap. She must be in the middle of everything at all times.
Ok enough poison for one night and to make more sense of the name "Trapper Keeper" go here for ref.
http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/103902/
Monday, August 3, 2009
Yay Dreams.
I just woke up from an interesting dream. It wasn't really a nightmare, per se, but a bad dream nonetheless. It now seems like it was one of those all night-er dreams that robs you of that feeling of being rested when you wake up.
It started off being a camping trip with my dad's side of the family in a familiar canyon. Deacon was in attendance as well. Deacon proceeded to get shitty drunk and wander off. I, alone, spent the entire night looking for him while everyone else seemed to not make a fuss over his whereabouts (my dad's family to a tee). "Oh he'll come back when he's ready", "Don't worry about him, have fun and drink", they tell me. Deacon is one of my best friends, of course I'm gonna look for him in the woods!
In my wanderings, the woods turn into a subdivision. I don't recall people being around really, just me wandering. Early morning rolls around, the sun is up. I never find Deacon and end up back at camp. Guess who is back at camp? Deacon, fine and dandy. He's helping the campers make breakfast since they are mostly waking up now.
I feel a sense of urgency through this whole thing. It was like we weren't supposed to stay the night at all and we had to be somewhere in the morning and getting him to get his shit together was like pulling teeth. We finally hit the road and have a long ways to go.
There is a gray spot in this part of the dream. not sure what was going on. Something involving an old, Honda 3-wheeler... I stole it from a yard and drove it around... and then took it to a classroom at a school. The classroom was at the top of a tower... yeah.... more gray fuzzies.
After all of that Deacon and i are back on the road, in a seedy little town. I realize that I have a flat tire and try to pull off. It has turned to nighttime again and there happens to be a tire place that is just getting ready to close up for the night. I pull in to have the tire repaired and as I'm getting out an attendant exits the building to greet me. We both asses the damage to my car at the same time. For some reason, the flat tire had been horribly flat for quite a long time. There was no rubber, only rim. The lug nuts were ready to break loose. My fender is missing in places as well as just damaged/totalled in general. The CV axle is hanging loose as well as other unidentifiable parts of my car.
The shop, getting ready to close, claims that the damage was repairable but there was no way it was getting done before they closed up, nor even the next day. I was distraught over being late for whatever i was late for, the money (which i don't have) to repair the car and a multitude of other things.
And then, my alarm woke me up. At least I didn't wake up crying (been there before).
Hopefully this is not an omen for the rest of the day.
It started off being a camping trip with my dad's side of the family in a familiar canyon. Deacon was in attendance as well. Deacon proceeded to get shitty drunk and wander off. I, alone, spent the entire night looking for him while everyone else seemed to not make a fuss over his whereabouts (my dad's family to a tee). "Oh he'll come back when he's ready", "Don't worry about him, have fun and drink", they tell me. Deacon is one of my best friends, of course I'm gonna look for him in the woods!
In my wanderings, the woods turn into a subdivision. I don't recall people being around really, just me wandering. Early morning rolls around, the sun is up. I never find Deacon and end up back at camp. Guess who is back at camp? Deacon, fine and dandy. He's helping the campers make breakfast since they are mostly waking up now.
I feel a sense of urgency through this whole thing. It was like we weren't supposed to stay the night at all and we had to be somewhere in the morning and getting him to get his shit together was like pulling teeth. We finally hit the road and have a long ways to go.
There is a gray spot in this part of the dream. not sure what was going on. Something involving an old, Honda 3-wheeler... I stole it from a yard and drove it around... and then took it to a classroom at a school. The classroom was at the top of a tower... yeah.... more gray fuzzies.
After all of that Deacon and i are back on the road, in a seedy little town. I realize that I have a flat tire and try to pull off. It has turned to nighttime again and there happens to be a tire place that is just getting ready to close up for the night. I pull in to have the tire repaired and as I'm getting out an attendant exits the building to greet me. We both asses the damage to my car at the same time. For some reason, the flat tire had been horribly flat for quite a long time. There was no rubber, only rim. The lug nuts were ready to break loose. My fender is missing in places as well as just damaged/totalled in general. The CV axle is hanging loose as well as other unidentifiable parts of my car.
The shop, getting ready to close, claims that the damage was repairable but there was no way it was getting done before they closed up, nor even the next day. I was distraught over being late for whatever i was late for, the money (which i don't have) to repair the car and a multitude of other things.
And then, my alarm woke me up. At least I didn't wake up crying (been there before).
Hopefully this is not an omen for the rest of the day.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
The Trouble With Boys
At this year's Pride festival I noticed a guy. He noticed me as well. We exchanged a few glances but never took it further than that. It probably didn't help that I was attached to Karson at the time. The day passed and so did Karson.
As the weeks wore on from that day I never even thought twice about the guy at the parade. Suddenly I start to see him around town and at functions within our small gay community. I am single now and shouldn't have any qualms about making a move but suddenly I am paralyzed when he is around. I've had multiple opportunities to just say hello and introduce myself but I freeze.
I have since found out the guy's name but have still yet to talk to him. There are also other circumstances that have prevented me from making a move. The last time I saw him he was sitting on the lap of a "friend". This "friend", Brett, likes to have or at least prevent me from having what I want. This would be the second time that he has moved in on something that I've had my eye on. The boy and Brett will never get far if it ever even starts. Brett's crazy, most people find that out when they begin a conversation with him.
Anyway, I managed to stumble upon this guy on a social network. I got the balls enough to send a message. I really hope that it doesn't come across as being creepy. I hope that I have made some sort of impression during our brief and almost non-existent meetings.
As the weeks wore on from that day I never even thought twice about the guy at the parade. Suddenly I start to see him around town and at functions within our small gay community. I am single now and shouldn't have any qualms about making a move but suddenly I am paralyzed when he is around. I've had multiple opportunities to just say hello and introduce myself but I freeze.
I have since found out the guy's name but have still yet to talk to him. There are also other circumstances that have prevented me from making a move. The last time I saw him he was sitting on the lap of a "friend". This "friend", Brett, likes to have or at least prevent me from having what I want. This would be the second time that he has moved in on something that I've had my eye on. The boy and Brett will never get far if it ever even starts. Brett's crazy, most people find that out when they begin a conversation with him.
Anyway, I managed to stumble upon this guy on a social network. I got the balls enough to send a message. I really hope that it doesn't come across as being creepy. I hope that I have made some sort of impression during our brief and almost non-existent meetings.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Deacon
So… Deacon… Where to start? We met many years ago at a job. I was seeing Percy at the time. Percy did not allow me to have many friends unless they were mutual friends. So I was not able to hang out with Deacon outside of work. At first, we were quite standoffish due to a mutual attraction and pure shyness. Odd for both of us. We slowly became very close. We shared thoughts and feelings without even saying anything (we still do this). After Percy and I parted ways, after 4 years, Daecon was my rock. He helped me through the tough time. It was a REALLY rough time. Deacon was seeing Mason at the time and Mason was also a big help. Deacon and I were more close at the time than Mason and I. I ultimately feel that I was the wedge that drove the two of them apart but, yet again, another story.
Deacon, Mason and I had very intimate relations and continued to until Mason and Deacon ended their relation. Deacon and I continued to see each other. We never let love into it though, well… I never let love into it. Deacon loved me and thought that there was more. I let this continue for far too long and eventually got “bored” and started seeing other guys under the table. I continued to have sex with Deacon, thus endangering Deacon’s health. This eventually came to a head and caused an explosion.
Even after all of this Deacon still loves me and wishes to continue seeing me but has accepted the fact that I will no longer pursue him. Kind of… His deepest wishes still affect our relations with other guys. This is a major reason that Nathan failed as a boyfriend and also a major reason for my failed relations with Karson.
Not many people fully understand the extent of our reasons for even being friends still. It’s a VERY complicated situation. We have both come to realize that we are the Cat Woman to each other’s Batman. Face to Face, my lovely foe.
Deacon, Mason and I had very intimate relations and continued to until Mason and Deacon ended their relation. Deacon and I continued to see each other. We never let love into it though, well… I never let love into it. Deacon loved me and thought that there was more. I let this continue for far too long and eventually got “bored” and started seeing other guys under the table. I continued to have sex with Deacon, thus endangering Deacon’s health. This eventually came to a head and caused an explosion.
Even after all of this Deacon still loves me and wishes to continue seeing me but has accepted the fact that I will no longer pursue him. Kind of… His deepest wishes still affect our relations with other guys. This is a major reason that Nathan failed as a boyfriend and also a major reason for my failed relations with Karson.
Not many people fully understand the extent of our reasons for even being friends still. It’s a VERY complicated situation. We have both come to realize that we are the Cat Woman to each other’s Batman. Face to Face, my lovely foe.
Percy
Percy and I met many MANY years ago. We met at a bar. My first bar hookup. The event was a birthday party for a close friend of mine. She had invited other friends and friends of friends. Percy was one of the friends of friends. We kept exchanging glances throughout the night. As the night wore down and people started to leave he came up and talked to me finally and invited me to an after party. He told me that he’d meet me outside as he gathered up his friends to leave. I asked the birthday girl if he was gay. She replied that he was. She also told me to go for it. I obliged. We ended up going to the party and meeting his friends and then going to his place for more fun. From that night on we were inseparable for four years, almost.
We were madly in love at the beginning. We lived together pretty much from the start. We lived in so many places around the valley that it was disgusting. We NEVER fulfilled a lease. We always left early or were booted out. He also had more jobs than I could count in those four years. Something ALWAYS caused him to leave or to be forced to leave. It was never his fault mysteriously… right… Throughout the duration we slowly grew apart due to differences in personality and just plain hatred. Have you ever looked deeply into someone’s eyes and wanted to say, “I hate you so much! I wish you would die!”? Yeah, it got that bad.
At one point near the end, he was jobless and we were living with his dad and “sister mom” aka #6, (Percy’s dad was on wife number six. He grew older as each new wife stayed about the same age. #6 was two years older than Percy... good times) I was the only person in the house that had a job. Between the three of them they applied for government assistance. They received food stamps and money for their laziness. Lovely, I know. I felt so uncomfortable eating food that was meant to help people in dire need. We were NOT in dire need, his stepmom and father were just too tweaked out of their minds to get off their asses and get a job and Percy just smoked too much pot. As did I at the time but still managed to somehow keep a job. This and more forced the end of our “marriage”.
We were madly in love at the beginning. We lived together pretty much from the start. We lived in so many places around the valley that it was disgusting. We NEVER fulfilled a lease. We always left early or were booted out. He also had more jobs than I could count in those four years. Something ALWAYS caused him to leave or to be forced to leave. It was never his fault mysteriously… right… Throughout the duration we slowly grew apart due to differences in personality and just plain hatred. Have you ever looked deeply into someone’s eyes and wanted to say, “I hate you so much! I wish you would die!”? Yeah, it got that bad.
At one point near the end, he was jobless and we were living with his dad and “sister mom” aka #6, (Percy’s dad was on wife number six. He grew older as each new wife stayed about the same age. #6 was two years older than Percy... good times) I was the only person in the house that had a job. Between the three of them they applied for government assistance. They received food stamps and money for their laziness. Lovely, I know. I felt so uncomfortable eating food that was meant to help people in dire need. We were NOT in dire need, his stepmom and father were just too tweaked out of their minds to get off their asses and get a job and Percy just smoked too much pot. As did I at the time but still managed to somehow keep a job. This and more forced the end of our “marriage”.
Oh The Tangled Webs We Weave
So... Nathan and Deacon are done. Done done. The breakup was finalized last night. Last night was a good friend's birthday party. The event was held at a local pub. All of the regulars were present. After the web cam incident tensions were running high but Mason, Nathan and Deacon are all friends of the birthday boy. The three of them came in separate vehicles and tried to stay away from each other. Despite this, the pub is a fairly small locale and we're all part of a close knit group.
I felt uncomfortable being there with all the tension in the air. I mostly tried to stay away from all this by staying within the pub and staying off the patio but I still needed to smoke and be sociable at times so as to not come off as an ass. I said hello and was cordial but the undertones threw me into a mood. I was upset with Brett already myself for cock-blocking any guy that I have been interested in for the last few weeks. All i had to do was mention a name or point in a direction and Brett made sure I never got a word in edgewise. In one instance Brett even went as far as to perform fellatio or have fellatio performed on him in the parking lot of the pub a couple weeks ago. This is what caused the major fallout between Brett and I.
Getting back to Deacon and Nathan. Deacon was already in a mood just being there with Nathan and they were both VERY standoffish. It went fairly well but a guy (to remain unnamed at this time) and Nathan hit it off too well and proceeded to converse throughout the evening. This really torqued Deacon. He got all bent out of shape and just eventually went to a far corner and laid his head down. The doorman is a really picky character and noticed this behavior as being too drunk to hang and asked Deacon to leave. When in all reality, Deacon was actually quite sober just distraught. Deacon was unable to leave the premises because I was the one that brought him to the bar. So Deacon proceeded to just sit in front of my car and wait for me. All of the above was not actually witnessed by me but was pieced together by talking to others.
The boy who will remain unnamed continued to talk to Nathan for the rest of the night, and from what I can piece together, went home with him or at the very least hung out until 04:00. Nathan, until today, was still living with Deacon and Deacon was highly upset after being booted from the pub, seeing his freshly made ex already talking to a boy and then having the ex come home so late after seeing all of this go down.
Who wouldn't be a little upset, but really? Upset enough to rip into him and tell Nathan that they would never be able to be friends? Deacon is a hard person to understand. He really is. Most people just write him off as being crazy (which he can be) and just ignore him.
I'll have to dig into my intimate relation and (better than most) understanding of Deacon at another time.
Anyway, after all of this. Nathan moved out of Deacon's while Deacon was at work. Deacon came home to find that all of Nathan's stuff was gone. As well as a computer that Deacon's roommate, Mason, uses to work from home. Don't worry about Mason, he has a backup and can still actually go IN to work to make money. Deacon seems to be taking this well, almost too well.... Nathan, however, is not doing well. He's really having a hard time with this. He had to move back in with his parents, almost abusive parents... another story for another time. Nathan has said that he will stay away and probably never see Deacon unless by accident or coincidence but will keep in touch with the rest of us.
I feel sorry for Nathan. He's really been put through the wringer during his stint with Deacon. Nathan really should have known what he was getting into though. He was warned.
That's all for the moment. I may add more later!
I felt uncomfortable being there with all the tension in the air. I mostly tried to stay away from all this by staying within the pub and staying off the patio but I still needed to smoke and be sociable at times so as to not come off as an ass. I said hello and was cordial but the undertones threw me into a mood. I was upset with Brett already myself for cock-blocking any guy that I have been interested in for the last few weeks. All i had to do was mention a name or point in a direction and Brett made sure I never got a word in edgewise. In one instance Brett even went as far as to perform fellatio or have fellatio performed on him in the parking lot of the pub a couple weeks ago. This is what caused the major fallout between Brett and I.
Getting back to Deacon and Nathan. Deacon was already in a mood just being there with Nathan and they were both VERY standoffish. It went fairly well but a guy (to remain unnamed at this time) and Nathan hit it off too well and proceeded to converse throughout the evening. This really torqued Deacon. He got all bent out of shape and just eventually went to a far corner and laid his head down. The doorman is a really picky character and noticed this behavior as being too drunk to hang and asked Deacon to leave. When in all reality, Deacon was actually quite sober just distraught. Deacon was unable to leave the premises because I was the one that brought him to the bar. So Deacon proceeded to just sit in front of my car and wait for me. All of the above was not actually witnessed by me but was pieced together by talking to others.
The boy who will remain unnamed continued to talk to Nathan for the rest of the night, and from what I can piece together, went home with him or at the very least hung out until 04:00. Nathan, until today, was still living with Deacon and Deacon was highly upset after being booted from the pub, seeing his freshly made ex already talking to a boy and then having the ex come home so late after seeing all of this go down.
Who wouldn't be a little upset, but really? Upset enough to rip into him and tell Nathan that they would never be able to be friends? Deacon is a hard person to understand. He really is. Most people just write him off as being crazy (which he can be) and just ignore him.
I'll have to dig into my intimate relation and (better than most) understanding of Deacon at another time.
Anyway, after all of this. Nathan moved out of Deacon's while Deacon was at work. Deacon came home to find that all of Nathan's stuff was gone. As well as a computer that Deacon's roommate, Mason, uses to work from home. Don't worry about Mason, he has a backup and can still actually go IN to work to make money. Deacon seems to be taking this well, almost too well.... Nathan, however, is not doing well. He's really having a hard time with this. He had to move back in with his parents, almost abusive parents... another story for another time. Nathan has said that he will stay away and probably never see Deacon unless by accident or coincidence but will keep in touch with the rest of us.
I feel sorry for Nathan. He's really been put through the wringer during his stint with Deacon. Nathan really should have known what he was getting into though. He was warned.
That's all for the moment. I may add more later!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The last few days at a glance
Today was rather uneventful. Nothing too much to say about it. We'll start on Saturday. First order of business was to allow the family cat of almost 20 years to pass on. She has not been doing well for some time now due to sheer age and arthritis. She has not been able to properly groom herself for the last 5 years or so. She was still in good spirits but you could see the pain that this all caused when she tried to stand up to greet you or even just to get a drink. This last week she had started to drag one of her rear legs really bad and was limping more than usual. The entire family had been expecting her to not survive the extremes in temperature during both the winter and summer months but putting her down was still a tough decision to make. She took to the car without much complaint. Earlier in her life she would only go to the vet with much protest. I think she understood that this trip was different. She tried to bite the vet when he administered the sedative but all the vet got was gums since she hasn't had much in the way of teeth for the last while. After that it was easy, for her anyway. For those present it was harder to take. It's rough to let a friend go that has been in your life for so long.
All of this made me realize that it wasn't really the fact that the cat was gone, it was the realization of our mortality. I hate it when it beats you about the head and leaves you with a feeling of dread. Who is next? Me? My mother? Father? Sister? Friend, foe? I thought that i had accepted my mortality as well as the ones that I love but it never gets easier. The whole thing just made me realize again that any of us could go at any time.
After I had gotten over those thoughts it was time to get the weekend started. Some friends and I headed to a BBQ. The BBQ was hosted by a man named Rick. Rick is a friend of Tayla. Rick served our wonderful country in the military and now is suffering from PTSD. He has become a shut-in and his house was VERY uncomfortable. I just felt ultra closed in. It was strange. Just the vibe from all that messed with my head for the rest of the evening.
Sunday was a different story. More friends went to a bar (to remain un-named at this time). The whole mood of the place was volatile. The tension could've been cut with a knife but a chainsaw probably was required. There was such a web of homo drama that a match would've brought the fire department. Someone had a beef with someone else and that someone had a beef with two others and it just circled and twisted upon itself. Despite all of this no one was hurt and the evening went off without a hitch. It was really strange that no fires were lit.
Monday night (last night) was an interesting time. It was margarita monday. The inflammatory group from the bar was in attendance. It was still a relatively calm get together but there were bursts of emotion. For me the night sucked. It seems like each time that I have an eye for someone, someone else jumps in the way and blocks. This has happened twice in the last week. Mason got really drunk and he had to leave his car and I drove him home. I couldn't tell you how many times he threw up. Luckily he didn't get any on nor in my car. I didn't get home until 03:00 and had to be at work by 08:30. Not fun. Mason had today off.
Another event of last night was my best friend Deacon caught his boyfriend Nathan masturbating on a web cam for an "old friend" (his ex i presume). This was the straw that broke the camel's back with them. It is over between them but Deacon has not kicked Nathan out of the house... I feel that they will repair things but I personally carry information that could bring this all to a halt. This info may or may not be disclosed. It may just take a bit for things to cool down before I release it. *sigh*
hopefully this provides some initial insight into my life.
All of this made me realize that it wasn't really the fact that the cat was gone, it was the realization of our mortality. I hate it when it beats you about the head and leaves you with a feeling of dread. Who is next? Me? My mother? Father? Sister? Friend, foe? I thought that i had accepted my mortality as well as the ones that I love but it never gets easier. The whole thing just made me realize again that any of us could go at any time.
After I had gotten over those thoughts it was time to get the weekend started. Some friends and I headed to a BBQ. The BBQ was hosted by a man named Rick. Rick is a friend of Tayla. Rick served our wonderful country in the military and now is suffering from PTSD. He has become a shut-in and his house was VERY uncomfortable. I just felt ultra closed in. It was strange. Just the vibe from all that messed with my head for the rest of the evening.
Sunday was a different story. More friends went to a bar (to remain un-named at this time). The whole mood of the place was volatile. The tension could've been cut with a knife but a chainsaw probably was required. There was such a web of homo drama that a match would've brought the fire department. Someone had a beef with someone else and that someone had a beef with two others and it just circled and twisted upon itself. Despite all of this no one was hurt and the evening went off without a hitch. It was really strange that no fires were lit.
Monday night (last night) was an interesting time. It was margarita monday. The inflammatory group from the bar was in attendance. It was still a relatively calm get together but there were bursts of emotion. For me the night sucked. It seems like each time that I have an eye for someone, someone else jumps in the way and blocks. This has happened twice in the last week. Mason got really drunk and he had to leave his car and I drove him home. I couldn't tell you how many times he threw up. Luckily he didn't get any on nor in my car. I didn't get home until 03:00 and had to be at work by 08:30. Not fun. Mason had today off.
Another event of last night was my best friend Deacon caught his boyfriend Nathan masturbating on a web cam for an "old friend" (his ex i presume). This was the straw that broke the camel's back with them. It is over between them but Deacon has not kicked Nathan out of the house... I feel that they will repair things but I personally carry information that could bring this all to a halt. This info may or may not be disclosed. It may just take a bit for things to cool down before I release it. *sigh*
hopefully this provides some initial insight into my life.
Where to start exactly?
Well, I am 27 years old, gay and living in Salt Lake. I've always got things rolling around in my head and lots of day to day drama that just needs to be saved somewhere. Kinda like my own personal pensieve (Harry Potter ref.)
Not really sure what all to say here. This might turn into an online journal, it may just be a sounding board for my thoughts. I WILL share secrets on here but will protect the identities of those involved :-) We'll see where this goes.
Not really sure what all to say here. This might turn into an online journal, it may just be a sounding board for my thoughts. I WILL share secrets on here but will protect the identities of those involved :-) We'll see where this goes.
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