So… Deacon… Where to start? We met many years ago at a job. I was seeing Percy at the time. Percy did not allow me to have many friends unless they were mutual friends. So I was not able to hang out with Deacon outside of work. At first, we were quite standoffish due to a mutual attraction and pure shyness. Odd for both of us. We slowly became very close. We shared thoughts and feelings without even saying anything (we still do this). After Percy and I parted ways, after 4 years, Daecon was my rock. He helped me through the tough time. It was a REALLY rough time. Deacon was seeing Mason at the time and Mason was also a big help. Deacon and I were more close at the time than Mason and I. I ultimately feel that I was the wedge that drove the two of them apart but, yet again, another story.
Deacon, Mason and I had very intimate relations and continued to until Mason and Deacon ended their relation. Deacon and I continued to see each other. We never let love into it though, well… I never let love into it. Deacon loved me and thought that there was more. I let this continue for far too long and eventually got “bored” and started seeing other guys under the table. I continued to have sex with Deacon, thus endangering Deacon’s health. This eventually came to a head and caused an explosion.
Even after all of this Deacon still loves me and wishes to continue seeing me but has accepted the fact that I will no longer pursue him. Kind of… His deepest wishes still affect our relations with other guys. This is a major reason that Nathan failed as a boyfriend and also a major reason for my failed relations with Karson.
Not many people fully understand the extent of our reasons for even being friends still. It’s a VERY complicated situation. We have both come to realize that we are the Cat Woman to each other’s Batman. Face to Face, my lovely foe.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Percy
Percy and I met many MANY years ago. We met at a bar. My first bar hookup. The event was a birthday party for a close friend of mine. She had invited other friends and friends of friends. Percy was one of the friends of friends. We kept exchanging glances throughout the night. As the night wore down and people started to leave he came up and talked to me finally and invited me to an after party. He told me that he’d meet me outside as he gathered up his friends to leave. I asked the birthday girl if he was gay. She replied that he was. She also told me to go for it. I obliged. We ended up going to the party and meeting his friends and then going to his place for more fun. From that night on we were inseparable for four years, almost.
We were madly in love at the beginning. We lived together pretty much from the start. We lived in so many places around the valley that it was disgusting. We NEVER fulfilled a lease. We always left early or were booted out. He also had more jobs than I could count in those four years. Something ALWAYS caused him to leave or to be forced to leave. It was never his fault mysteriously… right… Throughout the duration we slowly grew apart due to differences in personality and just plain hatred. Have you ever looked deeply into someone’s eyes and wanted to say, “I hate you so much! I wish you would die!”? Yeah, it got that bad.
At one point near the end, he was jobless and we were living with his dad and “sister mom” aka #6, (Percy’s dad was on wife number six. He grew older as each new wife stayed about the same age. #6 was two years older than Percy... good times) I was the only person in the house that had a job. Between the three of them they applied for government assistance. They received food stamps and money for their laziness. Lovely, I know. I felt so uncomfortable eating food that was meant to help people in dire need. We were NOT in dire need, his stepmom and father were just too tweaked out of their minds to get off their asses and get a job and Percy just smoked too much pot. As did I at the time but still managed to somehow keep a job. This and more forced the end of our “marriage”.
We were madly in love at the beginning. We lived together pretty much from the start. We lived in so many places around the valley that it was disgusting. We NEVER fulfilled a lease. We always left early or were booted out. He also had more jobs than I could count in those four years. Something ALWAYS caused him to leave or to be forced to leave. It was never his fault mysteriously… right… Throughout the duration we slowly grew apart due to differences in personality and just plain hatred. Have you ever looked deeply into someone’s eyes and wanted to say, “I hate you so much! I wish you would die!”? Yeah, it got that bad.
At one point near the end, he was jobless and we were living with his dad and “sister mom” aka #6, (Percy’s dad was on wife number six. He grew older as each new wife stayed about the same age. #6 was two years older than Percy... good times) I was the only person in the house that had a job. Between the three of them they applied for government assistance. They received food stamps and money for their laziness. Lovely, I know. I felt so uncomfortable eating food that was meant to help people in dire need. We were NOT in dire need, his stepmom and father were just too tweaked out of their minds to get off their asses and get a job and Percy just smoked too much pot. As did I at the time but still managed to somehow keep a job. This and more forced the end of our “marriage”.
Oh The Tangled Webs We Weave
So... Nathan and Deacon are done. Done done. The breakup was finalized last night. Last night was a good friend's birthday party. The event was held at a local pub. All of the regulars were present. After the web cam incident tensions were running high but Mason, Nathan and Deacon are all friends of the birthday boy. The three of them came in separate vehicles and tried to stay away from each other. Despite this, the pub is a fairly small locale and we're all part of a close knit group.
I felt uncomfortable being there with all the tension in the air. I mostly tried to stay away from all this by staying within the pub and staying off the patio but I still needed to smoke and be sociable at times so as to not come off as an ass. I said hello and was cordial but the undertones threw me into a mood. I was upset with Brett already myself for cock-blocking any guy that I have been interested in for the last few weeks. All i had to do was mention a name or point in a direction and Brett made sure I never got a word in edgewise. In one instance Brett even went as far as to perform fellatio or have fellatio performed on him in the parking lot of the pub a couple weeks ago. This is what caused the major fallout between Brett and I.
Getting back to Deacon and Nathan. Deacon was already in a mood just being there with Nathan and they were both VERY standoffish. It went fairly well but a guy (to remain unnamed at this time) and Nathan hit it off too well and proceeded to converse throughout the evening. This really torqued Deacon. He got all bent out of shape and just eventually went to a far corner and laid his head down. The doorman is a really picky character and noticed this behavior as being too drunk to hang and asked Deacon to leave. When in all reality, Deacon was actually quite sober just distraught. Deacon was unable to leave the premises because I was the one that brought him to the bar. So Deacon proceeded to just sit in front of my car and wait for me. All of the above was not actually witnessed by me but was pieced together by talking to others.
The boy who will remain unnamed continued to talk to Nathan for the rest of the night, and from what I can piece together, went home with him or at the very least hung out until 04:00. Nathan, until today, was still living with Deacon and Deacon was highly upset after being booted from the pub, seeing his freshly made ex already talking to a boy and then having the ex come home so late after seeing all of this go down.
Who wouldn't be a little upset, but really? Upset enough to rip into him and tell Nathan that they would never be able to be friends? Deacon is a hard person to understand. He really is. Most people just write him off as being crazy (which he can be) and just ignore him.
I'll have to dig into my intimate relation and (better than most) understanding of Deacon at another time.
Anyway, after all of this. Nathan moved out of Deacon's while Deacon was at work. Deacon came home to find that all of Nathan's stuff was gone. As well as a computer that Deacon's roommate, Mason, uses to work from home. Don't worry about Mason, he has a backup and can still actually go IN to work to make money. Deacon seems to be taking this well, almost too well.... Nathan, however, is not doing well. He's really having a hard time with this. He had to move back in with his parents, almost abusive parents... another story for another time. Nathan has said that he will stay away and probably never see Deacon unless by accident or coincidence but will keep in touch with the rest of us.
I feel sorry for Nathan. He's really been put through the wringer during his stint with Deacon. Nathan really should have known what he was getting into though. He was warned.
That's all for the moment. I may add more later!
I felt uncomfortable being there with all the tension in the air. I mostly tried to stay away from all this by staying within the pub and staying off the patio but I still needed to smoke and be sociable at times so as to not come off as an ass. I said hello and was cordial but the undertones threw me into a mood. I was upset with Brett already myself for cock-blocking any guy that I have been interested in for the last few weeks. All i had to do was mention a name or point in a direction and Brett made sure I never got a word in edgewise. In one instance Brett even went as far as to perform fellatio or have fellatio performed on him in the parking lot of the pub a couple weeks ago. This is what caused the major fallout between Brett and I.
Getting back to Deacon and Nathan. Deacon was already in a mood just being there with Nathan and they were both VERY standoffish. It went fairly well but a guy (to remain unnamed at this time) and Nathan hit it off too well and proceeded to converse throughout the evening. This really torqued Deacon. He got all bent out of shape and just eventually went to a far corner and laid his head down. The doorman is a really picky character and noticed this behavior as being too drunk to hang and asked Deacon to leave. When in all reality, Deacon was actually quite sober just distraught. Deacon was unable to leave the premises because I was the one that brought him to the bar. So Deacon proceeded to just sit in front of my car and wait for me. All of the above was not actually witnessed by me but was pieced together by talking to others.
The boy who will remain unnamed continued to talk to Nathan for the rest of the night, and from what I can piece together, went home with him or at the very least hung out until 04:00. Nathan, until today, was still living with Deacon and Deacon was highly upset after being booted from the pub, seeing his freshly made ex already talking to a boy and then having the ex come home so late after seeing all of this go down.
Who wouldn't be a little upset, but really? Upset enough to rip into him and tell Nathan that they would never be able to be friends? Deacon is a hard person to understand. He really is. Most people just write him off as being crazy (which he can be) and just ignore him.
I'll have to dig into my intimate relation and (better than most) understanding of Deacon at another time.
Anyway, after all of this. Nathan moved out of Deacon's while Deacon was at work. Deacon came home to find that all of Nathan's stuff was gone. As well as a computer that Deacon's roommate, Mason, uses to work from home. Don't worry about Mason, he has a backup and can still actually go IN to work to make money. Deacon seems to be taking this well, almost too well.... Nathan, however, is not doing well. He's really having a hard time with this. He had to move back in with his parents, almost abusive parents... another story for another time. Nathan has said that he will stay away and probably never see Deacon unless by accident or coincidence but will keep in touch with the rest of us.
I feel sorry for Nathan. He's really been put through the wringer during his stint with Deacon. Nathan really should have known what he was getting into though. He was warned.
That's all for the moment. I may add more later!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The last few days at a glance
Today was rather uneventful. Nothing too much to say about it. We'll start on Saturday. First order of business was to allow the family cat of almost 20 years to pass on. She has not been doing well for some time now due to sheer age and arthritis. She has not been able to properly groom herself for the last 5 years or so. She was still in good spirits but you could see the pain that this all caused when she tried to stand up to greet you or even just to get a drink. This last week she had started to drag one of her rear legs really bad and was limping more than usual. The entire family had been expecting her to not survive the extremes in temperature during both the winter and summer months but putting her down was still a tough decision to make. She took to the car without much complaint. Earlier in her life she would only go to the vet with much protest. I think she understood that this trip was different. She tried to bite the vet when he administered the sedative but all the vet got was gums since she hasn't had much in the way of teeth for the last while. After that it was easy, for her anyway. For those present it was harder to take. It's rough to let a friend go that has been in your life for so long.
All of this made me realize that it wasn't really the fact that the cat was gone, it was the realization of our mortality. I hate it when it beats you about the head and leaves you with a feeling of dread. Who is next? Me? My mother? Father? Sister? Friend, foe? I thought that i had accepted my mortality as well as the ones that I love but it never gets easier. The whole thing just made me realize again that any of us could go at any time.
After I had gotten over those thoughts it was time to get the weekend started. Some friends and I headed to a BBQ. The BBQ was hosted by a man named Rick. Rick is a friend of Tayla. Rick served our wonderful country in the military and now is suffering from PTSD. He has become a shut-in and his house was VERY uncomfortable. I just felt ultra closed in. It was strange. Just the vibe from all that messed with my head for the rest of the evening.
Sunday was a different story. More friends went to a bar (to remain un-named at this time). The whole mood of the place was volatile. The tension could've been cut with a knife but a chainsaw probably was required. There was such a web of homo drama that a match would've brought the fire department. Someone had a beef with someone else and that someone had a beef with two others and it just circled and twisted upon itself. Despite all of this no one was hurt and the evening went off without a hitch. It was really strange that no fires were lit.
Monday night (last night) was an interesting time. It was margarita monday. The inflammatory group from the bar was in attendance. It was still a relatively calm get together but there were bursts of emotion. For me the night sucked. It seems like each time that I have an eye for someone, someone else jumps in the way and blocks. This has happened twice in the last week. Mason got really drunk and he had to leave his car and I drove him home. I couldn't tell you how many times he threw up. Luckily he didn't get any on nor in my car. I didn't get home until 03:00 and had to be at work by 08:30. Not fun. Mason had today off.
Another event of last night was my best friend Deacon caught his boyfriend Nathan masturbating on a web cam for an "old friend" (his ex i presume). This was the straw that broke the camel's back with them. It is over between them but Deacon has not kicked Nathan out of the house... I feel that they will repair things but I personally carry information that could bring this all to a halt. This info may or may not be disclosed. It may just take a bit for things to cool down before I release it. *sigh*
hopefully this provides some initial insight into my life.
All of this made me realize that it wasn't really the fact that the cat was gone, it was the realization of our mortality. I hate it when it beats you about the head and leaves you with a feeling of dread. Who is next? Me? My mother? Father? Sister? Friend, foe? I thought that i had accepted my mortality as well as the ones that I love but it never gets easier. The whole thing just made me realize again that any of us could go at any time.
After I had gotten over those thoughts it was time to get the weekend started. Some friends and I headed to a BBQ. The BBQ was hosted by a man named Rick. Rick is a friend of Tayla. Rick served our wonderful country in the military and now is suffering from PTSD. He has become a shut-in and his house was VERY uncomfortable. I just felt ultra closed in. It was strange. Just the vibe from all that messed with my head for the rest of the evening.
Sunday was a different story. More friends went to a bar (to remain un-named at this time). The whole mood of the place was volatile. The tension could've been cut with a knife but a chainsaw probably was required. There was such a web of homo drama that a match would've brought the fire department. Someone had a beef with someone else and that someone had a beef with two others and it just circled and twisted upon itself. Despite all of this no one was hurt and the evening went off without a hitch. It was really strange that no fires were lit.
Monday night (last night) was an interesting time. It was margarita monday. The inflammatory group from the bar was in attendance. It was still a relatively calm get together but there were bursts of emotion. For me the night sucked. It seems like each time that I have an eye for someone, someone else jumps in the way and blocks. This has happened twice in the last week. Mason got really drunk and he had to leave his car and I drove him home. I couldn't tell you how many times he threw up. Luckily he didn't get any on nor in my car. I didn't get home until 03:00 and had to be at work by 08:30. Not fun. Mason had today off.
Another event of last night was my best friend Deacon caught his boyfriend Nathan masturbating on a web cam for an "old friend" (his ex i presume). This was the straw that broke the camel's back with them. It is over between them but Deacon has not kicked Nathan out of the house... I feel that they will repair things but I personally carry information that could bring this all to a halt. This info may or may not be disclosed. It may just take a bit for things to cool down before I release it. *sigh*
hopefully this provides some initial insight into my life.
Where to start exactly?
Well, I am 27 years old, gay and living in Salt Lake. I've always got things rolling around in my head and lots of day to day drama that just needs to be saved somewhere. Kinda like my own personal pensieve (Harry Potter ref.)
Not really sure what all to say here. This might turn into an online journal, it may just be a sounding board for my thoughts. I WILL share secrets on here but will protect the identities of those involved :-) We'll see where this goes.
Not really sure what all to say here. This might turn into an online journal, it may just be a sounding board for my thoughts. I WILL share secrets on here but will protect the identities of those involved :-) We'll see where this goes.
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