(Just a note, this was written on 10/24/09. just now getting around to posting it)
My best friend Mason is no longer being counted as even a friend.
I'm not sure that it stems from me or him but after last night we are done and not speaking. From what I feel, he is guilty about moving out. He has made arrangement to move in with Karson and Jeff. Mason has been highly secretive about this move until it finally came time to do it. This is the only reason that I can think of for him to be acting as he has done for weeks now. I also have not helped in this. His attitude has caused me to act in accordance. It's been a vicious circle.
Mason has not made much contact nor made any effort to make any contact with his "friends". He has just been skirting around all subjects and then suddenly he's leaving. I'm not sure whats worse, him being secretive or the fact that Deacon and I have been replaced with Karson and Jeff
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Realizations
This problem has been plaguing me for quite some time now. It keeps nagging at me and tugging on my mind. It even wears me thin sometimes.
The problem is the fact that I will never have children of my own (not without considerable amounts of money of adoption). I know that I'm gay and have been for, well, all my life. I did not choose this. It chose me, but i still can't help feeling like I am not a normal, functioning, part of society.
For thousands of years the basis of humankind has been to be born, procreate and die. It's difficult to procreate when you have an aversion to the opposite sex.
My younger sister is living the normal life. She married a wonderful man and now has 2 beautiful children with him. It pangs me to see those children and feel that I will never have that kind of a life. I wish that I could start over and be "normal". Why am I not able to live a long and happy life with my wife and kids? Why will I never be able to supply my mother and father with grand-kids? I ask these questions to myself each and every time I see my beautiful niece and nephew. I ask each time I hold their little hands.
After all of the internal questioning, I come to realize that I AM a functioning part of society. I contribute. I participate. I feed the economy, pay my taxes, etc. I may be hopelessly single and have been forced to move back into my father's basement but I will not have to deal with marital problems. No in-laws. No divorce. No dirty diapers and sleepless nights worrying about the well being of my children. All of this has it's good and bad points I guess.
Who knows though. I may still find a loving husband that I will share the rest of my days with and, somehow, have children. They may not be direct offspring but still will be growing vessels that I may fill with my knowledge and beliefs.
I apologize now for the choppiness of this entry. Just a lot of word vomit
The problem is the fact that I will never have children of my own (not without considerable amounts of money of adoption). I know that I'm gay and have been for, well, all my life. I did not choose this. It chose me, but i still can't help feeling like I am not a normal, functioning, part of society.
For thousands of years the basis of humankind has been to be born, procreate and die. It's difficult to procreate when you have an aversion to the opposite sex.
My younger sister is living the normal life. She married a wonderful man and now has 2 beautiful children with him. It pangs me to see those children and feel that I will never have that kind of a life. I wish that I could start over and be "normal". Why am I not able to live a long and happy life with my wife and kids? Why will I never be able to supply my mother and father with grand-kids? I ask these questions to myself each and every time I see my beautiful niece and nephew. I ask each time I hold their little hands.
After all of the internal questioning, I come to realize that I AM a functioning part of society. I contribute. I participate. I feed the economy, pay my taxes, etc. I may be hopelessly single and have been forced to move back into my father's basement but I will not have to deal with marital problems. No in-laws. No divorce. No dirty diapers and sleepless nights worrying about the well being of my children. All of this has it's good and bad points I guess.
Who knows though. I may still find a loving husband that I will share the rest of my days with and, somehow, have children. They may not be direct offspring but still will be growing vessels that I may fill with my knowledge and beliefs.
I apologize now for the choppiness of this entry. Just a lot of word vomit
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