First Post of 2011

Looks like I have been failing at this blog thing. Sorry about that. A lot has been happening lately but nothing extraordinary, just more of the same. More car issues, lack of a sex life and friends either moving or running away. After my hiking excursions this last summer my hike leader moved to Denver. He passed the torch to me. I will be taking over and will be in charge of an all male, gay, hiking group. Should prove to be an interesting summer. My love life is pretty much the same as usual. I've had a few pursuants but nothing major. Most are more interested in themselves than in any relationships with someone. Oh well. I've decided to look inward for love anyway. It's hard to give your love to someone else when you have a hard time loving yourself. Stuff I have to work on of course. Friends come and go all of the time but they mostly seem to be going lately. So many good friends have moved away from here. They have moved onto bigger and better lives of course but it still hurts to have them leave. Others have just left. Some of them it has just been good to see their backs as they leave. I'm just looking forward to having a good year. A year of new beginnings and looking inside myself. Should be good for me. I will apologize for any typos in this post, it was all done on my fancy new phone :-)

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Entropy

Well I have been trying to stay positive about life but the entropy of the universe keeps dragging the happiness down to the depths of hell. Too bad nothing stays constant. The world is in a constant flux. The grass keeps growing, metal rusts and even the mountains are constantly chiseled away by the elements. I guess the only thing that stays constant is the fact that nothing stays the same for very long. It all falls down around your ankles at some point and it is never just once; it is a perpetual battle to keep things together.

Case in point in my life: my vehicle. My mode of transportation. I have not loved this little car as much as I have loves others. I honestly don't take care of it like I have previous cars, until recently that is to say. It struck me as things were falling apart and in need of replacing that I realized that I need to take better care of it. When the registration was due this last time it hit me that the tires were bald and the windshield was not only chipped but cracked. Who really has money for these things on top of actually covering the registration fees? Luckily I had a good friend that had some extra income and he was able to help me out along with having a few payment deferrals on my car loan. Well, at this point I now owe that wonderful friend about $400 (which he is being VERY patient with me about), the heater core is shot ($250 for the part, about the same for the labor to install) and the brakes are toast. It is a good thing that I am able to change the brakes out myself with the loan of a few tools and maybe another hand or two but the heater core is the bane of my existence existence. It is currently leaking coolant into the cabin and leaving this superb film on my windows.

Attaining the part may not be too bad after saving pennies but the cost of labor to have it done somewhere I'm sure will be outrageous and actually doing it myself seems like a daunting task. To get to the core you will need sophisticated drilling equipment and a team of 50 able bodied men just to dismantle the dash. After that it honestly looks like a piece of cake. I once had a thought to take the stereo out of my car and started to inspect how the dash came apart. Just to get to the stereo you have to start at the seams for the doors because everything is overlapped and screwed and clipped together. Should be entertaining.

After all of this I see that it really takes a lot effort to keep everything balanced but after examining this I realize that I myself am VERY unbalanced and need to do some major work to keep the entropy at bay. Baby steps. I guess the first one would be to see that there is a problem.

So I have taken a step back and looked deeply into my life. I think I have realized that the only person that can make me happy is me. I don't need a specific someone to fill in the gaps; I need to fill them in for myself before I turn to another to complete me. I've been searching the city for someone to make me happy but it took a long hard look at myself to make me see that I am the only person that can fix what is wrong with me. It really is no wonder that I have chased off so many people; I'm a complete and total mess. It may not show too much on the outside but when I let my walls down and allow someone access they see me for what I am they tuck their tail an run.

I'm not saying that I should be admitted to a psych ward but I do need to fix a few things. For so long I have yearned for my big dreams to come true but have always been let down because I cannot and have no means to make it happen. We as humans can really achieve greatness but only make things change if they themselves allow it. Your dreams can only come true if you make them come true. It is a long and difficult road but it will happen. I'm not saying that we all can me millionaires and have fancy houses and fast cars but you can at least be happy and comfortable with who you are.

They should really teach these skills in school. I think that education is almost a waste. Schools are teaching algebra and proper grammar but where is the common sense class? Why isn't this taught to our children? Our education system is flawed. Most of what I learned in school I never use in my daily life. Sure, basic algebra comes into play occasionally as well as spelling and grammar but why aren't life skills taught? The life skills I have soaked in have only really been taken in within the last decade. If I was taught in school how to manage my finances and how to make adult decisions like picking the right vehicle and living within your means I probably would not be in the financial situation I am in now. Why as children are we not groomed for excellence as a human? I think that that concept alone should be a higher priority than making sure you can solve for X.

As I now gaze over our beautiful city and see the mountains I see how far we have come as a race but we still have so far to go. I will try to apply that knowledge to myself. I really have come a long way in life but only now see that there is still an arduous journey ahead to reach where I want to be. Sure, I can take passengers but I am in the driver seat. I would hope that others see this and that they will make themselves better to make everything better. We don't need to fight wars over land and religion, there is plenty of space for us all and the diversity of beliefs is what makes us all individuals. Life shouldn't be a competition for a stronger foothold, it should be everyone working together for a greater good. There is so much that we do not know about ourselves and the world around us, why do we bicker over petty things?

The Amazing Body

It really is a pretty cool thing that your body does when it has just had enough. The physical pain that comes from no injury other than mental stress. I don't know if I am the only one in the world or not that experiences this; I'm sure I'm not. When I am stressed my body manifests it with acne breakouts, sore muscles, headaches and nightmares.

Today I experienced my first migraine. I really don't think that I have ever had one before. I'm sure I would have remembered the pain. I wok up this morning and the sound of the shower running and the lights in the bathroom literally put me to the floor in agony. I vomited shortly afterward. I couldn't even force myself to sleep after that. I just curled into a ball and wanted to die. This carried on for about 5 hours in between bouts of dry heaving. It was not a pleasant experience.

I'm sure we all have different ways of carrying our stress and worries. My body's favorite way is to store it in my shoulders, neck and back. They get so tense that I feel like I have been lifting heavy objects or was in a massive car accident. I probably shouldn't let my stresses build up so much but it is a hard habit to break. I tend to bottle things up until I explode. I'm usually better after doing so though but someone usually catches the brunt of it and they run away screaming.

I'm not getting on here to talk about my woes and worries only because it would be one hell of an epic blog post and I really feel that everyone probably has the same problems. I was just amazed at how your body physically reacts to these things.

Family: You wouldn't be here without them but.....

This will be short and sweet. Just a small gripe.

My grandparents are in town this week and are causing just enough discomfort to make me want to stick fire pokers in my eyes. I just now tried to count on ONE hand the times that they have visited the great city of Salt Lake in my lifetime. (I had too many fingers compared to visits...) Most of the other visits I was too young to really make any decisions about what was going on and was just dragged along. Now that I am older and have had my eyes opened to the "battle" that comes when dealing with family, I truly see that my grandparents are PAINS in the ass!

In their defense, they have driven a long way to come down, and have done it in a motor home. They are also getting on in their years but are BOTH still very capable drivers. They have decided to drive their vehicle as far as Ogden (30 miles to the north of SLC) and that is where they will be staying ALL week. The excuse for Ogden is that they do not wish to drive in the "city". Ogden IS a city! It's NOT small by any means. They, thus far, have refused to drive on any further and have requested "dinner" at the "campsite" tomorrow sometime between 6:30 and 7:00 pm. Dinner will consist of hamburgers and hot dogs, buns and meat not included. This also puts a strain on my sister. She lives in Gunnison (2 and a half hours to the south). This means that she will have to leave around 4 PM with her two kids, hang out for "dinner" and drive back to Gunnison. At this point I estimate her arrival time at her home around midnight unless she decides to get a room or stay with my mom or at my house and drive back the next day.

My thoughts on this are: Why not stay in a "smaller" town between SLC and Gunnison? There are TONS of small towns between here and there! Why not actually have DINNER at a restaurant? Also, I made a wager with my sister that they have a car in tow behind the motor home. I know they do that. They have been towing a little cruiser car around for YEARS! Why not stay in Ogden and drive the cruiser into town?

Ok. I'm done. For now.... They'll be here all week.

Keeping My Eyes On The Skies.

From my wishes of being a normal, functioning, part of society I have realized that I really kind of am. I pay taxes, I own a car, I have a job and I interact with the world. Is there really much else to do before you die? I'm sure that most people have dreams of grandeur but I am pretty sure that most people will only DREAM of these things and never actually achieve them. The people that truly do achieve their grand dreams only make up a small percentage of the population. I mean, how many Gandhi's have there really been? How many Hitler's even? How many people arrive at that point where they are at the top?

I am quite okay with being mediocre. I guess you just have to be happy and comfortable with who you are to be truly successful. Who could really ask for more? I know that I am a long way from being successful if that is my gauge. It really takes a lot to be comfortable within your own skin. I have been slapped in the face by the realization that you have to love yourself before being able to love someone else. I would say that is the hardest part. Loving yourself is NOT an easy task especially in the world as it exists today. There are too many stigmas, too many opinions to worry about. Too many people have such influence over how the masses look at themselves as well as others. Hell, even certain clothing designers will not carry their lines in sizes for the general public. Granted, the general public of the United States is unhealthily overweight. I'm not saying that we should all have the bodies of gods and goddesses but we really should be a much healthier country.

Sorry, going off on a tangent. Where was I?

Ah, yes. Loving yourself. I see now that I have to see myself in a different light. I have to see myself as being a fully capable person able to do pretty much anything that I can dream of. Look at the human race as a whole. We have come so far as a civilization. WE CAN FLY! WE CAN GO TO THE MOON! WE CAN CURE DISEASES! 1000 years ago many of the things we have now were only dreamed of and now they are possible. Where will we be 1000 years from now? Seriously, WHERE? The sky is not even the limit anymore!

I guess now I just need to work these ideals into my own life. It will not be easy but it is a much better route that self loathing. It almost seems as though I am at a turning point. Lets hope that I don't miss my exit on the highway of life.

Here I go. Impossible, again.

Life has been all topsy turvy but I still seem to be stuck in a rut. It just seems like the same old shit keeps rolling around and around and around. Where to even begin on this subject....

I guess I will start with my dating life. I have recently tried to get back on the horse and meet people that are of interest to me. Most of them I have met on a chat/dating site. We get to talking and things go fairly well on there and then we try to arrange a meeting. 4 out of the last 5 men that I have met in person have ran away screaming after the first date. How does this work? I am not a cruel or uncaring person (at least on the first date) and I try to be as charming and polite as possible. Let me go into a little more detail on a few.


Brian.

We begin to chat online. We find that we have mutual friends. He goes on to tell me that he dated one of the mutual friends a while back and is still has a hard on for him but the friend is seeing someone. At this point I interject saying that the friend is actually recently single. Brian drops me like a hot rock and immediately goes for the friend. Me and my big mouth. So Brian and the friend date and every time that I see them together I have this strange urge to pour gasoline on them both and light a match. Anyway, after the magic runs out of their relationship and the part company Brian starts texting me at all hours of the night and tries to get me to come over! I have ceased communications with this one.


Markus.

The story of Markus starts off much like the one with Brian. We chat, we email and we decide to go on a date. First of all, my idea of a first date is NOT to go see a movie. How do you expect to get to know each other sitting in silence? You don't, but he asked me out and planned the event and I agreed. After the movie he pretty much gets up and walks out of the theater without saying much of anything. In the parking lot he tells me that he is tired and is going home, gives me a handshake and walks away. Never hear from him again. Come to find out, he moved out of the state within the week. Some of our conversations before the date were QUITE racy and I thought that he would at least invite me over to fool around a bit.


Rick.

Rick is of a different sort. We did NOT meet online. We actually met at the bar. My first encounter with Rick was mostly just admiration from afar. I noticed him with a group of people that I know. I sent a text to one of the members of the group asking who the guy with the tattoos was. I got a short response back: he's cute AND single! come talk to him his name is Rick. I totally go into a panic at this point and don't even make a move to get out of my chair and completely avoid eye contact with Rick despite MULTIPLE messages from the friend telling me to come over and introduce myself. The evening passes and I end up kicking myself for not making a move. So I make a loose promise to myself that if I see Rick again that I will talk to him. Yeah... that worked out well. I see him again and I chicken out AGAIN despite coaching and prodding from multiple sources. It ends up that Deacon went up and talked to Rick about his tattoos and such. This gets the ball rolling for me and Rick to open the lines of communication.

Rick and I hit it off immediately. We seem to have MUCH in common and almost share a birthday even. We have gone out a few times and have chatted until the wee hours of the morning. I have seem to have become COMPLETELY enamored with him. I can't get the image of his face out of my mind. I hear his voice and my heart skips a beat. He walked up behind me at the bar last weekend and surprised me. My heart fluttered at his touch and my skin became flushed and I was unable to speak for a moment. No one has been able to make me feel that way in many years. It is complete and utter puppy love, but it only seems to be a one way street. Nailing him down to go out is almost impossible. He is highly elusive. I do know that he is VERY busy with school and being the general manager of a local coffee shop as well as a bustling social life but it feels like he is merely toying with me. I feel as if I am a mouse that he is just playing with before he makes a meal out of me.

So this weekend I try to get the jump on his schedule. I know this is vague and not very pointed but I sent him a text saying, "just to let you know, I have no plans this weekend and am TOTALLY free". His response was, "ok, cool. I'll keep that in mind". So here I sit, waiting, with baited breath, for him to invite me out. I even have tried to make plans and be the assertive one. He ignores me. He blows me off. He feigns interest and then leaves me hanging.

How am I supposed to feel about this? Do I just write him off? Do I continue to pursue? At the same time I STILL cannot get him out of my head!!!! Just make the insanity stop. I really would like to have a relationship with someone but is it really worth going through all of this bullshit?