Always Alone, Even In a Crowded Room

I'm in a room, surrounded by "friends" yet i am the loneliest person in the room. I know everyone here but no one really knows me or who i really am. Why does this always happen? Has my being coy been carried on too far? That's how i usually play things. Play coy or aloof to lure people in. They usually find out that i am quite the dick shortly after meeting me directly. That's probably why i don't let many people in. I guess that my loneliness is a product of my own devices.

Facebook

So I've decided that having certain "friends" on your Facebook page is like having cowbells around their necks.

The people that update constantly what is going within their trite and vapid routines let you know where to be OR where NOT to be.

Needless to say, I won't be going out to the pub this evening.

The Anglerfish (Lophius piscatorius)

So I have decided that this is me.















The angry-looking deep sea anglerfish has a right to be cranky. It is quite possibly the ugliest animal on the planet, and it lives in what is easily Earth's most inhospitable habitat: the lonely, lightless bottom of the sea.

There are more than 200 species of anglerfish, most of which live in the murky depths of the Atlantic and Antarctic oceans, up to a mile below the surface, although some live in shallow, tropical environments. Generally dark gray to dark brown in color, they have huge heads and enormous crescent-shaped mouths filled with sharp, translucent teeth. Some angler fish can be quite large, reaching 3.3 feet (1 meter) in length. Most however are significantly smaller, often less than a foot.

Their most distinctive feature, worn only by females, is a piece of dorsal spine that protrudes above their mouths like a fishing pole—hence their name. Tipped with a lure of luminous flesh this built-in rod baits prey close enough to be snatched. Their mouths are so big and their bodies so pliable, they can actually swallow prey up to twice their own size.

The male, which is significantly smaller than the female, has no need for such an adaptation. In lieu of continually seeking the vast abyss for a female, it has evolved into a permanent parasitic mate. When a young, free-swimming male angler encounters a female, he latches onto her with his sharp teeth. Over time, the male physically fuses with the female, connecting to her skin and bloodstream and losing his eyes and all his internal organs except the testes. A female will carry six or more males on her body.



courtesy of
http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/fish/anglerfish.html

The Drama Pit

Where to begin for this evening...

Well, So much drama roiling around at the pub this evening. Trapper Keeper wasn't getting enough attention and was pouty the entire night (which made for great entertainment when Tayla's sister spit her drink at Tayla, missed and hit Trapper!!!). All that trapper wanted was pity and no one gave it to her. We reap what we sow baby.

Brett tried to be friendly and say hello but I shot him down with a scowl. I could see his eyes begin to moisten over it but quickly got over it because he had some young thing attached to his face all evening. I will give it to Brett and say that boy was at least a 7 out of a possible 10. Brett seemed to make sure that we all saw him and boy touching, kissing, fawning, etc. It was all just a big production. Fake, false, a front. All of which i find to be mildly amusing only because this will all end with Brett sobbing. His tears sustain me.

Karson was also there and also with a new beau. I'll give his beau about a 6 out of 10 but the lack of personality took him down to a 4 or less. Didn't talk to Karson too much. I mostly tried to ignore him. There was a brief exchange but there was no introduction of the beau. I'd like to think that Karson was afraid that I'd swallow the beau's soul or something equally horrible.

Nathan was also in attendance and also with the "boy who shall remain unnamed". (I really didn't think that he would be mentioned twice and I have not prepared a name for him. Lets call him Kasey shall we?) They were at least cautious and didn't step on too many toes but Nathan still got drunk and ended up spilling someone's drink because of his limp wrists. Kasey tried being nice to me but with the mood that I was in he quickly retreated to the safety of Nathan's arms.

On top of all of this, I came with a boy myself. His name is Sean. We met this last winter and not on happy terms (a story for another time). We have since "kissed and made up". I apparently was totally blind to the fact that he was looking for more from me than just an evening out with friends. I realized that much too late. At that point all I wanted to do was leave but he was busy making new friends and regaling his older friends with tales of god knows what. I went outside to smoke and to calm down so as not to hurt people and this guy and his friend walk up and introduce themselves. The one guy was dragged over by the other to talk to me because I looked lonely and because I was handsome. Me, being totally caught off guard, made an ass out of myself and looked like a complete dick because I was pissed off at what was going on inside. It just got horribly awkward after that and they went inside and said no more.

Ok. Last topic. In an earlier post I had mentioned that Brett had cock-blocked me out of even talking to a guy and then ended up doing naughty things with him in the parking lot. So, now that I have marked the boy as "tainted" or "damaged goods" and he and Brett have nothing between them the guy talks to me tonight as I am leaving to take Sean home. He says the same things as the other set of guys. "Oh you're handsome", "You should smile more", blah blah blah. Yes. I do know that I am a fairly decent fellow (some may disagree with that, but I have a skewed view of myself), but is that all I am? Just something shiny, pretty? I did love the attention though but it was awkward because Sean was present and he wants more from me.

The whole evening was uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable like a mosquito bite but more like needing to defecate in a bad way while on a first date.

Oldies!

These are from an old journal that I kept but didn't keep very well! I made two entries in it and then lost it! Hope these make for interesting reading!

8/21/2008 1:11 AM

So it’s been a long week. So much going on, yet nothing is going on. Everything seems stagnant. Putrid. Stale. The repo job is really stressing me out. I’ve no time for anything but the will of NAME OMITTED FOR PRIVACY and the stupid company. All I do is work, eat, sleep and play on the new laptop. (didn’t spent too much on the laptop). I have little time for play or even just a nice, whole day to myself. That would be really nice to have just a day where I did nothing but stuff for myself. No agendas. No worrying about time frames for others; just a nice and peaceful day to myself.

Everything else that is stressing me out is the juggling of 3 boys, Deacon being one of them (H), Deacon (W), and a possible third, Clif. We’ll start with Deacon H. Looking back, I should’ve never led him to believe that there was ever going to be anything between us. I should’ve realized that I’m just a slut. I do not think that I have truly ever loved someone. Sex does not equal love to me. Just because I fuck someone does not automatically mean that I love them. I let him feel that we were going somewhere and had plans for the future. I never plan anything!!! Shit just happens or it doesn’t. I do totally enjoy Deacon H's company with the exception of his latest advances. I had thought that I had finally pushed him away enough to make him realize that there was never going to be as “us”. Then I fucked him in the tent while camping at Bear Lake over the 4^th of July weekend. Oops. It gave him ideas again.

Well since then I have found a nice boy, also Deacon W, UGH!!! He works at NAME OMITTED FOR PRIVACY, a pub near downtown. Nice guy for sure! Very polite and very good natured. He may not be the best looking guy in the city but his mind makes up for anything that he may lack in looks. He is trying to woo me and seems to be doing a very good job of it. So good on fact that Deacon H is a little upset that he is encroaching on his territory. Deacon H is jealous of the time that I spend with Deacon W. So to keep his jealousy to a minimum I just don’t tell Deacon H that I’m out with Deacon W. May not be the best idea so far seeing as lying thus far has gotten me into nothing but trouble. We’ll see how this goes. I’m not sure that Deacon W is right for me but I still can’t seem to shake him loose. All I really want is to date. I have never really dated boys, just fucked them! The only boy that I have ever really had any relationship with is Percy. Not a good reference point to base thing off of.

Onto the third. Clif is a guy that I met at a birthday party for one of Deacon H's friends.. Better looking than Deacon W for sure with the exception of his EDITED FOR PRIVACY. Clif began to salivate over me the moment that he noticed me. I enjoyed the attention. Deacon H did not. He literally rolled his eyes at Clif’s advances.. I kept my distance from Clif for the duration of the evening. I did not even get a phone number! I think that if I was alone that I would’ve advanced faster. So I left it at that and ended up looking Clif up on myspace and speaking to him a bit on there and eventually got his number.. We still have yet to meet again. He has been in Denver for work for almost two weeks now. I do look forward to meeting him again when he returns..

Ok that seems like a decent enough glimpse into my psyche for the evening/morning.

9/22/2008 2:05 AM

Yet another interesting weekend. First of all, Bret has been cut off. Mason had a gentleman caller this weekend. The gentleman’s name is Ken. He’s a nice guy. I don’t have enough time to tell much more about him. Anyhoo, Brett began to harass Ken about spending the night in Mason’s bed. Frankly, that is none of Brett’s business. Ken told him to go to hell as did the rest of us. Brett tried to show up this morning and apologize for his actions. Not gonna fly. He’s done, yet again. Woot!

I finally got Clif to hang out with us this weekend. Deacon seemed cordial, seemed. The evening wound down and Clif invited me to spent the night at his place. I obliged. Deacon got upset, again along the lines of “not his business”. I sent him a nasty text and promptly shut my phone off. He was seriously bent over that. The evening with Clif went well. We didn’t fool around, just slept. We slept quite late in fact. We did kinda mess a little bit but not to the extreme of my usual “sleepovers”. He’s a good guy. He was very in tune with Deacon’s acting out. I kinda went into the details of the trio’s relationship. He seemed a little put off by it, not sure exactly. He is way too much like myself that it’s kinda scary. We’ll see how he goes.

After waking up and getting dropped of back at the Deacon H residence I got dressed and cleaned up and the trio went to this exhibit downtown. It is cadavers that have been seriously preserved and posed in multiple stages of dissection. It was very cool. We are totally going again!! It was awesome, I had never seen anything like it before. We are totally taking a larger group next time. *sigh* time for bed. I’ve gotta start this typing thing earlier!

Trapper Keeper...

This is a tale of a girl that is not pretty nor skinny enough to actually date within the regular population. She is a horrible mess of emotions, self loathing and just plain sadness. She dates vicariously through the gay men that she surrounds herself with and attempts to be HIGHLY involved in their lives. This girl's name will be "Trapper Keeper" for this exercise. We'll use Trapper for short.

This girl was birthed some 25 years ago. Not much is known (by me) about her younger days. All I know is of current events. I can truly see that she is a sad being, a wretched creature. I'd like to think that most are able to see this. I even think that this despair and pity that she draws from others sustains her.

Trapper could really have a very nice personality and could be easier on the eyes if she would stop being such a conniving bitch and start to care more about her health and her own problems than worrying about when she's gonna get her next queer fix. She gets so wrapped up in the problems of others that she takes no time to be a healthy person. (and by the way, I do know that I am letting myself go a bit. I've got my own issues but they're personal and I have my own life and make my own decisions. Sorry, just a disclaimer for those that would think that I am singling Trapper out)

Trapper has been so caught up in the drama of her queers that it has been causing problems. She has a fat mouth. She does not know when to keep a secret or hold things in confidence. You tell her something that you think is completely between the two of you and within the next five minutes the entire community knows about it.

This is a personal experience that i have had with Trapper: First of all, I do admit that I was in the wrong and this whole situation could have been avoided if I kept my pants on. *the lights fade on the stage*....... A few years ago when I was having relations with Deacon I met his friends Tom and Jerry. Tom and Jerry were "happily" dating each other and I ended up getting mixed up with the two of them and having a threesome. It was supposed to be kind of a quiet thing and just a one time deal. Lots of alcohol was involved blah blah blah. After that Trapper caught wind of the KY in the air and proceeded to leak this information out to the masses. The only one that seemed to have a problem was Deacon, seeing that I was having relations with him as well as Tom and Jerry being his good friends. This caused a rift between all parties involved. Deacon and I fought about it. Deacon and Trapper were mortal enemies and T&J would've been frozen in carbonite and used as a coffee table if Deacon had the power to do so. (the above tells you why T&J, Trapper and Deacon are still at odds)

Anyway, back on point. I am not the only one that Trapper has done this to. Any information that is input is "absorbed" is regurgitated as vile refuse that exudes from her fat yap. She must be in the middle of everything at all times.

Ok enough poison for one night and to make more sense of the name "Trapper Keeper" go here for ref.

http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/103902/

Yay Dreams.

I just woke up from an interesting dream. It wasn't really a nightmare, per se, but a bad dream nonetheless. It now seems like it was one of those all night-er dreams that robs you of that feeling of being rested when you wake up.

It started off being a camping trip with my dad's side of the family in a familiar canyon. Deacon was in attendance as well. Deacon proceeded to get shitty drunk and wander off. I, alone, spent the entire night looking for him while everyone else seemed to not make a fuss over his whereabouts (my dad's family to a tee). "Oh he'll come back when he's ready", "Don't worry about him, have fun and drink", they tell me. Deacon is one of my best friends, of course I'm gonna look for him in the woods!

In my wanderings, the woods turn into a subdivision. I don't recall people being around really, just me wandering. Early morning rolls around, the sun is up. I never find Deacon and end up back at camp. Guess who is back at camp? Deacon, fine and dandy. He's helping the campers make breakfast since they are mostly waking up now.

I feel a sense of urgency through this whole thing. It was like we weren't supposed to stay the night at all and we had to be somewhere in the morning and getting him to get his shit together was like pulling teeth. We finally hit the road and have a long ways to go.

There is a gray spot in this part of the dream. not sure what was going on. Something involving an old, Honda 3-wheeler... I stole it from a yard and drove it around... and then took it to a classroom at a school. The classroom was at the top of a tower... yeah.... more gray fuzzies.

After all of that Deacon and i are back on the road, in a seedy little town. I realize that I have a flat tire and try to pull off. It has turned to nighttime again and there happens to be a tire place that is just getting ready to close up for the night. I pull in to have the tire repaired and as I'm getting out an attendant exits the building to greet me. We both asses the damage to my car at the same time. For some reason, the flat tire had been horribly flat for quite a long time. There was no rubber, only rim. The lug nuts were ready to break loose. My fender is missing in places as well as just damaged/totalled in general. The CV axle is hanging loose as well as other unidentifiable parts of my car.

The shop, getting ready to close, claims that the damage was repairable but there was no way it was getting done before they closed up, nor even the next day. I was distraught over being late for whatever i was late for, the money (which i don't have) to repair the car and a multitude of other things.

And then, my alarm woke me up. At least I didn't wake up crying (been there before).

Hopefully this is not an omen for the rest of the day.

The Trouble With Boys

At this year's Pride festival I noticed a guy. He noticed me as well. We exchanged a few glances but never took it further than that. It probably didn't help that I was attached to Karson at the time. The day passed and so did Karson.

As the weeks wore on from that day I never even thought twice about the guy at the parade. Suddenly I start to see him around town and at functions within our small gay community. I am single now and shouldn't have any qualms about making a move but suddenly I am paralyzed when he is around. I've had multiple opportunities to just say hello and introduce myself but I freeze.

I have since found out the guy's name but have still yet to talk to him. There are also other circumstances that have prevented me from making a move. The last time I saw him he was sitting on the lap of a "friend". This "friend", Brett, likes to have or at least prevent me from having what I want. This would be the second time that he has moved in on something that I've had my eye on. The boy and Brett will never get far if it ever even starts. Brett's crazy, most people find that out when they begin a conversation with him.

Anyway, I managed to stumble upon this guy on a social network. I got the balls enough to send a message. I really hope that it doesn't come across as being creepy. I hope that I have made some sort of impression during our brief and almost non-existent meetings.