Here I go. Impossible, again.

Life has been all topsy turvy but I still seem to be stuck in a rut. It just seems like the same old shit keeps rolling around and around and around. Where to even begin on this subject....

I guess I will start with my dating life. I have recently tried to get back on the horse and meet people that are of interest to me. Most of them I have met on a chat/dating site. We get to talking and things go fairly well on there and then we try to arrange a meeting. 4 out of the last 5 men that I have met in person have ran away screaming after the first date. How does this work? I am not a cruel or uncaring person (at least on the first date) and I try to be as charming and polite as possible. Let me go into a little more detail on a few.


Brian.

We begin to chat online. We find that we have mutual friends. He goes on to tell me that he dated one of the mutual friends a while back and is still has a hard on for him but the friend is seeing someone. At this point I interject saying that the friend is actually recently single. Brian drops me like a hot rock and immediately goes for the friend. Me and my big mouth. So Brian and the friend date and every time that I see them together I have this strange urge to pour gasoline on them both and light a match. Anyway, after the magic runs out of their relationship and the part company Brian starts texting me at all hours of the night and tries to get me to come over! I have ceased communications with this one.


Markus.

The story of Markus starts off much like the one with Brian. We chat, we email and we decide to go on a date. First of all, my idea of a first date is NOT to go see a movie. How do you expect to get to know each other sitting in silence? You don't, but he asked me out and planned the event and I agreed. After the movie he pretty much gets up and walks out of the theater without saying much of anything. In the parking lot he tells me that he is tired and is going home, gives me a handshake and walks away. Never hear from him again. Come to find out, he moved out of the state within the week. Some of our conversations before the date were QUITE racy and I thought that he would at least invite me over to fool around a bit.


Rick.

Rick is of a different sort. We did NOT meet online. We actually met at the bar. My first encounter with Rick was mostly just admiration from afar. I noticed him with a group of people that I know. I sent a text to one of the members of the group asking who the guy with the tattoos was. I got a short response back: he's cute AND single! come talk to him his name is Rick. I totally go into a panic at this point and don't even make a move to get out of my chair and completely avoid eye contact with Rick despite MULTIPLE messages from the friend telling me to come over and introduce myself. The evening passes and I end up kicking myself for not making a move. So I make a loose promise to myself that if I see Rick again that I will talk to him. Yeah... that worked out well. I see him again and I chicken out AGAIN despite coaching and prodding from multiple sources. It ends up that Deacon went up and talked to Rick about his tattoos and such. This gets the ball rolling for me and Rick to open the lines of communication.

Rick and I hit it off immediately. We seem to have MUCH in common and almost share a birthday even. We have gone out a few times and have chatted until the wee hours of the morning. I have seem to have become COMPLETELY enamored with him. I can't get the image of his face out of my mind. I hear his voice and my heart skips a beat. He walked up behind me at the bar last weekend and surprised me. My heart fluttered at his touch and my skin became flushed and I was unable to speak for a moment. No one has been able to make me feel that way in many years. It is complete and utter puppy love, but it only seems to be a one way street. Nailing him down to go out is almost impossible. He is highly elusive. I do know that he is VERY busy with school and being the general manager of a local coffee shop as well as a bustling social life but it feels like he is merely toying with me. I feel as if I am a mouse that he is just playing with before he makes a meal out of me.

So this weekend I try to get the jump on his schedule. I know this is vague and not very pointed but I sent him a text saying, "just to let you know, I have no plans this weekend and am TOTALLY free". His response was, "ok, cool. I'll keep that in mind". So here I sit, waiting, with baited breath, for him to invite me out. I even have tried to make plans and be the assertive one. He ignores me. He blows me off. He feigns interest and then leaves me hanging.

How am I supposed to feel about this? Do I just write him off? Do I continue to pursue? At the same time I STILL cannot get him out of my head!!!! Just make the insanity stop. I really would like to have a relationship with someone but is it really worth going through all of this bullshit?