Sorry it has bee so long since my last update. Have not had much fire for pouring out my feelings.

The thing that has been most on my mind as of late is my utter loneliness. Sure. I have friends; I even have a few "close" friends that I can share almost anything with. I still feel lost in the world though. I feel adrift at see; wandering lost in the forest. I seem to have no direction. I'm pulled in many directions but feel no true call. I even have family that is close but I seem to have pushed them off because I don't wish them to see what's roiling under the surface of my placid exterior. It looks like I have done this to everyone I love.

I'm really not sure why all of this is happening. It could be many things. I do know that I have fairly severe to moderate seasonal depression and I tend to hibernate during the winter months as opposed to going out and doing things that interest me. Within this hibernation I store up fat for the season; this does not help to raise my spirits. My pants fail to fit properly and I don't take care of myself like I should. Everything is dull and lifeless, parallel to the landscape of this beautiful state in which I live.

This entry into my life was prompted by my love-life, or lack thereof. I know that I am a good looking man of excellent breeding stock. Sure, I gain a few pounds and my skin breaks out a bit due to the dry air of the season but I feel quite hideous at times. I get told that I am handsome and a good guy but where is MY prince charming? Where is the man that will sweep me off my feet and take care of me? I try to put myself "out there" but continually get shot down. There was a time that I was able to pull off the young, aloof wallflower but those days are over. I used to be an object of desire; I now have to "market" myself like I'm selling vacuums to an old lady.

At this stage I'd even settle for a little love under the table. I do kind of miss my whore days. Never a dull moment. The latest object of my affection is a young "kid". I know him through a few friends of friends. We started talking because Deacon made the first move on him with the hopes of getting us BOTH in the sack with the "kid". The kid turned out to be only interested in me. So the "kid" and I were getting along and getting to know each other via text and Facebook. My first impression of the "kid" was that he was straight but malleable so as to bend to my will. It turns out that he is "bi" (whatever the hell that means) and is a big flirt. Things are going swimmingly and he keeps telling me that he will come over some time. He continues to say all this but mysteriously disappears after his work shift ends. He just falls off the face of the planet until the next day while he is at work and the whole rhetoric begins again, "we should hang" "let's get drunk" "send me dirty pictures". So I simply with the dirty pictures and get nothing in return because he's at work but promises to reciprocate when his shift is over. Guess what happens next! His shift ends and he disappears until the next day. Now the "kid" materializes a boyfriend out of his ass and says,"I thought you knew!".

I then turn into an ultra bitch. I restrained my tongue as much as I could but still rattled off some pretty nasty things. I ended up apologizing later on but it seems to be too little too late. Now all I want to do is key the "kid's" car and meet the boyfriend to see if he's worth it.